SPIDER-MAN: "I'm Coming Home to Marvel Studios" [Parody]


Before anyone ever cared which movie studio I would be at, I was a kid from Marvel Entertainment. It’s where I walked. It’s where I ran. It’s where I cried. It’s where I bled. It holds a special place in my heart. People there have seen me grow up. I sometimes feel like I’m their son. Their passion can be overwhelming. But it drives me. I want to give them hope when I can. I want to inspire them when I can. My relationship with Marvel Entertainment is bigger than the studio I have resided at.

Remember when I was sitting up there at the top of the movie world after my first film released in 2002? I was thinking, this is really tough. I could feel it. I was starting something bigger than I could've ever imagined for the super hero movie genre. If I had to do it all over again, I’d obviously do things differently, but I’d still have been with Sony Pictures. Sony, for me, has been almost like a college film course. These past few years helped raise me into who I am. I will always think of Sony as my second home. Without the experiences I had there, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today.

I went to Sony because, at that time, Marvel was licensing out its heroes to stay afloat during tough times. They made sacrifices. I believed Sony and I could do something magical. And that’s exactly what we did! The hardest thing to leave is what I built there despite recent franchise issues. Nothing will ever change what we accomplished. I also want to thank Avi Arad and Matt Tolmach for giving me some amazing years.

I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself. I don’t want anyone thinking: Parker and Amy Pascal didn’t get along … Peter and J. Jonah Jameson didn’t get along. That’s absolutely not true. Well... the Jameson part is kind of true but I digress.

I’m not having a press conference or a party. After this, it’s time to get to work.

When I left Marvel Entertainment to pursue my movie career, I was on a mission. I was seeking box office success, and we had a tremendous first Trilogy. But Marvel hasn’t had that feeling since becoming Marvel Studios and a Hollywood powerhouse. My goal is still to work with Sony, no question. But what’s most important for me is bringing one huge blockbuster Spider-Man film to Marvel Studios.

I had hope that I’d return to Marvel Studios once they topped over $1 billion at the box office with The Avengers. I just didn’t know when it might happen. After The Amazing Spider-Man franchise reboot, things felt different and not in the same way they did during my first Trilogy. I started thinking about what it would be like to go home to Marvel Studios and work with those who live and breath Marvel. The more time passed, the more it felt right. This is what makes me happy.

To make the move I needed the support of Sony executive Amy Pascal and Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, who I heard can be a very tough negotiator. My emotions were more mixed than at any other time since I became a part of Sony Pictures. It was easy to say, “OK, I not sure if I want to deal with Sony anymore.” But then you think about the other side. Everybody makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes as well. Who am I to hold a grudge? I’m not promising the No. 1 blockbuster movie of all-time. I know how hard that is to deliver. It will be a long process. My patience will get tested. I know that. I’m going into a new situation with a creative team that I am not familiar with. But I get a thrill out of bringing a group together and helping them reach a place they didn’t know they could go.

But this is not about Marvel Studios or Sony. I feel my calling here goes beyond the studios. My presence can make a difference at Marvel Studios as it had once for Sony, but I think it means even more to the fans. I want all fans to realize that there’s no better way to go.

At Marvel Studios, nothing is given. Everything is earned. They have worked very hard for what they have and have achieved.

I’m ready to accept the challenge of becoming bigger than ever when I enter the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I’m coming home.


[This post is parody based on LeBron James' column on SI.com stating he is returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers and is for entertainment purposes only.]